


babies on the brain

by vvelna



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Body Horror, M/M, Mpreg, but in the loosest sense, this is Phil's fault, weird but is it much weirder than The Hand?, with blood and gross stuff you've been forewarned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 05:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14687769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvelna/pseuds/vvelna
Summary: Phil has a headache with unexpected results.





	babies on the brain

Dan was banished from the bedroom.

That’s where Phil was, lying in the dark with the sheet pulled up over his head. He looked like a dead body that had just been covered up.

He wasn’t dead, he just had a headache. The worst headache he’d had in years. The worst headache he’d had in his life, probably. It laughed in the face of paracetamol. He didn’t want to be a baby about it. He knew plenty of people suffered through worse headaches. But the pain kept intensifying to the point that his eyes were watering, and it was taking all his willpower not to call for Dan and ask him to hit him over the head until he blacked out.

The pain was concentrated in his forehead. It came in waves, like his frontal lobe was having contractions. He stuck an arm out of his sensory deprivation cocoon and felt around for Dan’s pillow. He pressed it into his face in an attempt to either squash the pain into submission or suffocate himself into unconsciousness.

*

Dan was down in the gaming room, editing. Phil needed absolute quiet, and apparently the sound of Dan typing on his laptop in the lounge was ear-piercing. As if Phil was capable of hearing Dan talking from the bedroom, let alone typing.

He complied anyway, if only because Phil had a look in his eyes like he was going to snap if Dan so much as breathed a little too heavily. Their latest Sims video needed editing anyway. They had somehow managed to fall down a fifteen minute hole picking out the best romantic date outfit for Dab. He and Phil had very different ideas regarding what was proper attire for a date at a classy restaurant.

Dan was going through the footage, looking for the boring bits he could cut without sacrificing the coherency of the video, and the good bants he definitely wanted to keep in the final cut. There were some moments, where the jokes pushed past their current boundaries just a little bit, or the flirting seemed too obvious, that he lingered over. Even just a year ago he would have cut them out. But the boundary lines had blurred.

He heard a blood-curdling scream. It was so loud he dropped the can of diet coke he was sipping from onto his lap. He didn’t give a second thought to his soaked sweatpants and raced up the stairs. 

Phil was being murdered. Surely. Dan had never heard a sound like that come out of him before. The first scream broke and more followed, separated only by high-pitched inhalations of air.

  
Dan threw open the bedroom door and flipped on the light. Phil was sitting up in bed, rocking back and forth and clutching his head. He had stopped screaming and was whimpering wordlessly. He didn’t seem to notice that Dan had entered the room.

Dan crawled onto the bed and tried to get a better look at Phil. There was something moving under the skin of his forehead. Dan watched with disgust as a grape-sized lump began to expand into a golf ball. Whatever it was, it was red beneath the pale, stretched skin.

Help. He needed to call for help. He reached into his pockets. Empty.

“Shit, I left my phone downstairs.”

He looked around but couldn’t see Phil’s either.

“Phil, where’s your…never mind. Hold on, okay? I’m gonna get my phone and call an ambulance.”

Before he could hop off the bed, Phil grabbed his arm. Dan tried to pull free but couldn’t break Phil’s grasp. It was like all of his strength was suddenly concentrated into one hand.

As Dan watched in horror, Phil’s forehead split open. He went quiet as the blood ran down his face. Letting go of Dan’s arm, he held out his hands. Something slipped out of his forehead and plopped into his palms.

It was a baby. Smaller than any fully-formed baby had a right to be, but a baby nonetheless. It balled up its pea-sized fists and wailed.

Extending from its belly back up into Phil’s forehead was the umbilical cord, thin as a strand of spaghetti.

Phil was looking at the baby in wonder, seemingly unfazed by the grotesque thing that had just occurred.

Dan felt very fazed, but also like the part of him that was losing its shit was being locked up in a cupboard to suppress it.

“Phil…should I get scissors or something? For the…you know. The…”

Phil looked up. He’d forgotten Dan was there. He was overcome by a blissful sense of peace. Maybe it was just a side effect of being relieved of such intense pain, but he felt like he was floating in a warm, heavenly cloud.

He crossed his eyes to look at the cord hanging down in front of his face. His thoughts drifted back down to Earth.

“Yeah, probably should. Unless you want to wait a second. I think your favorite part should be coming soon.”

“I’m gonna throw up.”

“Go get the scissors then.”

*

Phil sat up in bed, cradling the baby against his chest with one hand. Dan had stripped off the bloody top sheet and brought a blanket to throw over him. He knelt next to Phil and dabbed at his face gently with a flannel soaked in warm water.

The opening in Phil’s forehead had sealed shut, leaving a faint, jagged line down the center.

Dan ran a finger over the scar.

“Yer a wizard, Phil,” he muttered.

“I’m a what?”

Dan felt drunk. Warm, dizzy, a little confused.

“I should have spit last night,” said Phil.

Dan stared at him blankly. Wait…

“You think  _I_  did this?”

“Well, I haven’t had sex with anyone else since I met you.”

“What does sex have to do with it?”

“This is our child, Dan. We made this.”

“Okay, let’s not get too attached before we know what the fuck’s going on. That thing came out of your forehead, Phil.  _Your fucking forehead._  It’s probably some kind of weird parasitic twin you absorbed in the womb, or a—”

Phil placed his free hand over Dan’s.

“Dan, shut the fuck up.”

“But—”

“And go make us some tea.”

*

Dan set the mugs on the bedside table and got under the blanket with Phil.

“This is so fucked up.”

Phil sighed. Dan was kind of ruining the moment for him.

“Why? You love babies.”

“Yeah, but…but what the fuck? How are you not freaking out?”

“Brain damage? Or maybe…doesn’t your body release tons of endorphins when you give birth?”

“You didn’t ‘give birth,’ a baby popped out of your head.”

“A child came out of my body. That’s giving birth, Dan. I’m a mother now.”

Dan looked at the baby sleeping against Phil’s chest. Sure, watching it come out of Phil's face was seared into his brain forever and would probably haunt him for the rest of his life. And it looked like a little red potato. But it was a damn cute one.

Maybe soon enough Dan would wake up and realize he’d just had the most bizarre dream. For now, he moved closer to Phil, and put out his hands.

“Can I?”

Phil transferred the baby to Dan. It looked even smaller now that he was holding it. It was so light, like a little bird. He watched its chest rise and fall as it breathed.

Dan was smiling down at the baby and Phil was smiling at him. Then Dan looked up to smile at Phil and watched his face contort in pain.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just have a bit of a stomachache.”

“Oh, fuck.”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry?


End file.
